Dwarfed Lexx
by Snakelady Frohike
Summary: What happens when the crew of the Red Dwarf find themselves on board the Lexx as the cast of the Lexx?


"Dwarfed Lexx:  
A Red Dwarf/Lexx Crossover"  
Brenna "Snakelady" Dawkins  
  
~Red Dwarf and subsequent characters Lister, Kryten, Rimmer, Kochanski, the Cat, and Holly belong wholly to Grant and Naylor. The Lexx and subsequent characters Stanley, Robothead, Kai, Xev, and Prince belong wholly to the Beans, Gigeroff, Hirschfield, and Donovan and Salter Street Films. These characters were used without permission and without profit. ~   
  
Spoilers: Red Dwarf season seven and Lexx season three.  
  
This comes from a list challenge where you had to choose a show to crossover with Red Dwarf. This is the result if Red Dwarf crosses over with the Lexx.  
  
  
When Lister woke, he felt loathe to actually get up. In fact he lay there in a partial comatose state and hadn't even ventured to open his eyes yet.  
  
It was the distant sound of a very hysterical Kryten that got him to come to full wakefulness. When he did open his eyes, he couldn't make since of his surroundings right away. Then it slowly gripped his two and a half six packed sloshed mind that he was no longer on board Red Dwarf. He sat up bolt upright in his strange bed, which was actually quite larger than what he was used to. It was also very non-geometric and very organic looking. In fact, the whole smegging room looked more like a cave… a very odd looking cave.  
  
"Kryten?!?" Lister yelled to his friend, relived that at least he wasn't alone in this weirdness.  
  
Must be the beer they'd salvaged from that gutted out outpost, he thought. He shouldn't have insisted on watching all seven movies in that series Titus's Tight-assed Cave Dwelling Bimbo's From Hell, even though it was a brilliant series. He thought the beer had tasted kind of funny but had shrugged it off.  
  
"Mr. Lister, sir!" Kryten's voice was pitiful in his distress. "Where are you?"  
  
"In here. Follow the sound of my voice." He called back as he nearly tumbled out of the funny bed. His head pounded. It must have been the beer. It had to have been bad somehow and now he's hallucinating and the best things to do with hallucinations were to play along.   
  
Kryten finally appeared, waving his arms about frantically like he did when he was upset.  
  
"This is awful, Mr. Lister, sir! Just awful! I can't figure out how we got here, I can't find Mr. Rimmer, the Cat, or Miss Kochanski anywhere, and as far as I can tell, there's no cleaning facilities to be had either!"  
  
"You've had a look about then?" Lister wasn't sure which upset Kryten the most, the missing crewmembers or the fact that the laundry wasn't going to be done for the day.  
  
"Yes. Begging pardon, sir? Where did you get that outfit?"  
  
"Eh?" Lister looked down and found he was dressed in a funny, ill-fitting, red jumpsuit that looked like it hadn't ever been washed in a long lifetime of wearing. He also wore a red, rimless cap with the number four emblazoned on the front. "What the smeg?"  
  
Kryten began to pace in his distress. "Well, sir, I think we're actually on a ship. It's very odd, but I do believe it's entire infrastructure, including the bed you were sleeping in is made from some sort of living tissue."  
  
Lister shuddered, "Ew!"  
  
"And that's not all, but I do believe we are in an entirely different area of space."  
  
Lister tried to readjust the jumpsuit. It was awful tight in the crotch and felt kinda crusty down there. He was used to crusty though.   
  
"I wanna look around. You going to come with?" Lister brushed past the flustered droid and into the twisting corridors. The two wandered around a ship that must be huge. They soon entered another chamber. There was drapery spanning from ceiling to floor and a pile of pillows and sheets. "Kochanski!" Lister felt better now that he found yet another of their company.   
  
The flight officer was asleep and dressed in what looked like red lizard skin. Her top was very revealing and showed more skin then he knew she was comfortable showing. Her flat belly was exposed and the short, short skirt was flipped up to show not much more than a g-string. She lay sprawled out on the strange bed that reminded Lister more of something you'd find in some Indian whorehouse.  
  
At the sound of Lister's voice, Kochanski woke and received a shock very much like Lister had felt. It was nice to know he was not alone in this strangeness.   
  
"What the smeg is going on? Why am I dressed like a whore?" Kochanski wrinkled her nose in distaste at the skimpy outfit. Then she took a gander at Lister. "Nice outfit."  
  
"At least you're not dressed like a geek." Lister tried to rearrange his midsection again.  
  
"No, I look like a slut. Where's Cat and Rimmer?" She had the presence of mind to ask.  
  
"We don't know. We were scouting around the ship, looking for all of you." Lister admitted.  
  
"Ship?" Kochanski leapt off her bed and put her hand against the wall. "This is like no ship I've seen in the shipyards. It's organic."  
  
"That is exactly what I have surmised." Kryten said, his voice somewhat tetchy.  
  
Kochanski tried to get her skirt to go below mid thigh but that wasn't about to happen without completely defrocking. She sighed. "I would suppose first order of business is to find Cat and Rimmer. Then we find the bridge. Then we find Red Dwarf and get the smeg out of here."  
  
Lister was fine with Kochanski nominating herself to lead their expedition. Kryten grumbled almost quietly to himself but had to comply with the superior officer whom he did not like very much.  
  
They wound around the ship, speculating at the almost erotic protrusions in one chamber. Kochanski raised an eyebrow at the green stuff one such phallically shaped appendage squirted out onto what looked like it could be a table that had grown out of the ground. There were several of these dispensing appendages situated around the 'table'.  
  
"Kinky." Lister grinned foolishly. He was beginning to like this ship.  
  
Kryten reached out and took a sample of the excretions. "Hmm."  
  
Lister shuddered. "Looks like something that I found in the toilet last week."  
  
"I believe it's a food. Of what type I cannot tell. I bet this would be just smashing on top of some of that pistachio ice cream we stole with your beer."  
  
"I don't think that ice cream started out green, Kryten." Lister had refused to eat the stuff, uncertain as to what flavor it had originally been.  
  
Kryten was adamant, "But it's such a shame to waste it!"  
  
"I bet you could use the stuff to help clean the engine room with." Lister said helpfully.  
  
"Come on, let's keep looking." Kochanski stalked out of the chamber.  
  
They followed. Lister hoped they wouldn't be on board long enough for him to have to resort to eating the revolting stuff.  
  
The walkway split off and they haphazardly chose one of the routes, unwilling to split up. It came out onto a huge room with a giant pillar in the center. The floor came to an edge as it circled the great column and dropped off to unknown depths. There were two armrests that were a part of the column at nearly waist height.   
  
"This is the biggest room we have come across. I suspect it may be the bridge. There's a viewscreen." Kochanski deducted.  
  
"If that is so, where are the computer terminals? Where are the chairs for the other stations? Where are the people?" Kryten countered, pleased at being able to poke holes through the flight officer's surmise.  
  
"Ooooooow! What's up? What's down? What's all around besides my tasty self?" The Cat slid into the room, dressed all in white with sparkles intermingled in his snappy suit and skintight pants. "I don't know how or where I got these clothes, but I gotta get this guys tailor's number! Yeeeeah yeah!" The Cat danced about them, phenomenally unconcerned with his strange whereabouts. He was too pleased with his new wardrobe to care about anything so trivial as what happened to Red Dwarf.  
  
"What are you holding there, Cat?" Lister noticed the reams of stapled paper the Cat held tightly in his hand.  
  
"Uh uh! These are MINE! I found them! They're mine! See, they even say my name in them!" The Cat opened up one of the booklets and began to read, "The Cat comes into the room in an outfit that is more blinding than a pulsar and says-"  
  
"It's a script! Gimme those!" Lister ripped the paper from Cat's hands. There were five copies of a script. Lister held onto what was obviously Rimmer's copy as he flipped through one. "Who'er the Beans?" Lister asked confused. "What's Lexx? Who the Hell is His Divine Shadow?"  
  
"I'm supposed to be a sex slave???" Kochanski said outraged.  
  
"I'm a lonely virgin who lusts after a sex slave who lusts after a dead assassin?" Lister said supremely bummed out at his luck, or lack thereof. Where was the luck virus when you needed it?  
  
"Dead assassin?" Kochanski flipped through her copy of the script. "RIMMER???" She yelled.  
  
Kryten was awfully quiet. Lister noticed and asked what was wrong.   
  
"I'm in love with the dead assassin. I spout horrible poetry and confess my undying lust for… for… it's too horrible to say!"  
  
Lister flipped through his copy. "You got the hots for Rimmer?" He couldn't contain his mirth at the droid's expense.  
  
"Where is Rimmer? Er, I mean Kai?" Kochanski looked around the room.  
  
"In a cryogenic pod." Lister found it in the script.   
  
They tromped over to the room that housed a frozen Rimmer.  
  
"He's not going to be happy about this." Lister said as they came to a halt to the frozen tomb.  
  
Kryten frowned, "Do we have to let him out? I can't do this poetry. It's timing is off, it's content is repulsive, and it's receiver is… is… is…."  
  
Cat helped him out, "Deader than Lister's, I mean Stan's sex life?"  
  
"A roaring smeghead?" Kochanski added.  
  
"A pompous, trumped up idiot?" Lister replied.  
  
"Well, I was going to say not supposed to be awakened until page seven, but… yes to all." Kryten said finally.  
  
"Oh." Everyone said in unison.  
  
"How the smeg do you open it?" Lister asked.  
  
"Do we have to let him out?" Cat asked.  
  
"We can't stay here Cat." Lister insisted.  
  
"Hey, it's Prince to you, hairball!" Cat wagged his heavily ringed finger at Lister.  
  
Lister rolled his eyes. "We gotta get him out and find a way off this bloody bugship. I can't believe we're in a bug. Disgusting."  
  
Kochanski was the one who finally figured out how to free Rimmer. The hardlight hologram was dressed in a black on black outfit. He looked like he had just jumped out of a Mad Max movie. He stumbled out of the pod with teeth chattering.  
  
"Wh-wh-what-t-t-t th-th-the H-h-h-h-ell is-s-s-s g-g-going on?" Rimmer asked through chattering teeth. He tried to warm himself back up.  
  
"We've lost Red Dwarf somehow. We're on this ship that's really a sentient bug and we're supposed to be this other cast." Lister tried to explain though he had no idea either.  
  
Kryten opened his mouth then shut it again. He did this several times in succession as he tried to come to grips with the lines he was supposed to spout. Finally, "Oh my lovely vision of death, I await your caress, wrap me in your dead arms and make me forget I'm just a Robothead." Kryten shook his head at the poem and whispered, "Awful. Who writes this stuff?"  
  
Rimmer looked at Kryten as if he had turned into a booger and jumped back into someone's nose. "You say anything more like that to me and I'll rip you a new buttocks! Has everyone gone insane?"  
  
Lister handed Rimmer the hologram's copy of the script. Rimmer's eyebrows shot up. "What's a cod piece?"  
  
"Oh… that. Well, it seems you aren't, well, all there." Lister informed him.  
  
Rimmer blinked. "What? Excuse me." Rimmer went around the corner. There was a quiet moment then he screamed. A moment later found a highly agitated Rimmer back with them with a wilted look on his face and quiet whimpering, "Gone, it's gone! Gone…"   
  
Kochanski, curious, flipped through her script and couldn't help but smirk. She had to admit, she was VERY interested in seeing this amazing codpiece that replaced a certain, important male organ.  
  
"Back to the bridge." Kochanski ordered them and they went with Rimmer muttering sorrowfully under his breath all the way.  
  
"I told you it was the bridge." Kochanski was happy to rub it in to the droid who made no pretenses in his jealousy.   
  
"Well, let's see if this works." Lister stood beside the column and gripped the armrests. He raised up his hand and the palm glowed in and a transparent control panel suddenly appeared out of nowhere under his hand. "Hello, um, Lexx?"  
  
"Yes, Stan?" Came a disembodied, childlike, soft-spoken, monotone voice.  
  
"Who's the Captain here?" Lister asked, quirking a grin, knowing that Rimmer would bust an ulcer or two at the answer.  
  
"You are, Stan." Came the quiet response.  
  
"Find out if the Red Dwarf is out there somewhere." Kochanski told him.  
  
"Um, Lexx? Are there any other ships out there? Like, say, a big red ship?"  
  
"Negative, Captain. We are the only ship in a thousand AU's." Lexx informed him.  
  
"AU's?" Lister asked.  
  
Kochanski rolled her eyes. "Astronomical units. It's a measure of distance in space."  
  
"What exactly are you, Lexx?" Lister wondered.  
  
The Lexx replied easily, "I am the Lexx, the most powerful ship in the known two universes. I am His Divine Shadow's creation through the Insect Wars. I have the power to destroy planets at your command, Captain."  
  
"Aaaaaaaaalright!" Lister grinned childishly.  
  
"Look, enough of this. We have to find Red Dwarf." Kochanski reached over and shook Lister's shoulder's. "We can't stay on this ship. I'm not going to eat that goop and I refuse to slobber all over Rimmer."  
  
And so the gang set about to finding out how they could get back home.   
  
Meanwhile……  
  
"I'm a smelly, unwashed, toe nail biting loser?" Stan was looking at a Red Dwarf script, sitting on Lister's bunk aboard the Red Dwarf.  
  
"What's a smeghead?" Kai asked.  
  
"I'm supposed to have a body and arms and legs!" Robothead shouted. "I get them or I go on strike!"  
  
"This outfit leaves everything to the imagination." Xev said unhappily. "We need to get out of this crazy place."  
  
Holly looked on and sighed. It was going to be a long day.  
  
End 


End file.
